Anger is a natural emotion, but it is something that we as adults often have a terrible fear of.  We often fear that our anger will destroy and damage and scare and that we will then lose the people. 

The next time your child bursts into a tantrum, try taking a step back and being aware of the feelings it produces in you. Try to name the emotions you think your child is feeling. For example: “ I see you are angry and upset because we can’t get that toy now” or, “I understand you would like candy for breakfast but that is a slow food and not a go food” or, “ I see you are feeling frustrated”. Naming emotions is empowering and it is a great tool to have. It is good training to learn about our feelings from the beginning, because later on in adulthood, words replace actions. If we don’t have a good repertoire of feelings, we struggle to communicate, which manifests itself in our relationships.

Make an effort to connect with your child’s upset and to empathize with his reaction versus telling him that he shouldn’t be reacting this way.  Tell him that you understand that he is angry and try allowing the wave to reach its peak and then to diminish naturally.  You are on the road to teaching your child that it’s ok to be angry.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D & Debbie Radzinsky, MSc

Roles inevitably develop in relationships and these roles are representative of this unconscious fit.  There are maternal or paternal roles, fraternal roles, friendship roles, and sexual roles.  It is normal and healthy for there to be a dynamic mix of all of these roles in a relationship.

Roles should for the most part be flexible and dynamic.  Role-lock occurs when a couple gets stuck in any one specific role at the expense of experiencing others.  Feeling stuck in a role is a good sign that you could use some help in getting unstuck.

How can you tell if you are stuck?

Ask yourself a few questions: Is there anything that you tend to fight about more often?  Are you feeling resentful of your partner?  Are your needs being met?  Do you know what your needs are?  Do you think your partner’s needs are being met?  Do you know what his/her needs are?

The more you sweep things under the rug, the more there is to clean.  Just because it’s under the rug doesn’t mean it’s not there.  It can be scary to do something about it, but the alternative is far worse.  When issues do not get addressed, resentment builds and distance and/or protest creep in.  Depending upon how far under the rug it is, there can be little to no awareness of the emotional and psychological origins of the unrest.  The bottom line is that it pays to be proactive.  Thinking about things in the context of roles and role-lock can be a useful way to identify and address problems in your relationship.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

No wonder so many people are miserable!

Suffering is a part of life.  It is almost more natural in many ways than happiness.  To avoid suffering, or to fear it, or to treat it like a parasite, only serves as fuel for the fire.

When you were a kid, you were probably afraid of the bogey man or the monsters in your closet.  The more we feared them, the more we avoided them, and the more powerful they became.

Suffering is not the bogey man.  It’s not something to avoid at all costs.  We cannot avoid suffering at all times in a healthy way.

With most of the people I work with, an important part of the work involves opening the door to the closet and sitting down with the bogey man and letting him know you won’t be hiding any longer.

This does not imply seeking or embracing suffering as one’s lot in life; far from it.  The more open you can be to the dynamic nature of your emotional experience and to the fleetingness of all emotional states, whether good or bad, the better equipped you will be to face your bogey man.  Clinging to moments of bliss or running away from pain won’t make the happiness stay or the sadness go away.