I watched a documentary on stress by biologist/professor and author of Why Zebras don’t get Ulcers, Robert Sapolsky. He provides some fascinating information on stress based primarily on his longitudinal research in Africa with a single baboon troop. Here are some of the findings that stuck with me:

• Stress levels changed based on the order in the social hierarchy. This was true for baboons and for people in the workplace. The higher in the hierarchy, the lower the stress. Stress was measured physiologically, not psychologically.
• Stress reactions caused neurons to dramatically decrease in size.
• All animals, including humans, release stress hormones in response to stress, which aids in the stress response when a threatening situation arises. Humans also have stress responses that are work or money related, etc., so that the stress response inevitably becomes chronic causing a host of ailments and disorders such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and ulcers.
• Social isolation is a huge cause of stress. Contact, care, nurturing and compassion all significantly reduce stress.

There are so many things we can do to mitigate stress including exercise and meditation. You can rent Sapolsky’s documentary on Netflix.

By David B Younger, PhD, CGP, PC

Children need to be listened to. Do not assume that you know what they are feeling. The fact that they may not have words for their feelings makes it easier to dismiss them, and when they start crying inconsolably it can be equally challenging as a parent to be supportive, because a crying child moves many things inside the parents from our own childhoods. We often reflexively react to our children the way we were reacted to by our own parents.

One thing that we can do when our kids are upset is to help them put words to their feelings by saying things like: “Are you feeling mad because we had to turn off the TV before your program ended so that we can go for dinner?” Another thing we can do is to be empathic. For example: “I know it must be hard or frustrating right now. I can remember feeling similar feelings when I was your age”. This helps children to feel understood.

Do not tell them to stop crying. That’s one of the worst things to do. Do not call them babies for being upset over something that you think is trivial. It is not trivial for them. Children can easily learn to feel shamed for expressing their natural emotions. You more than likely experienced this at some point in your own life.

Parenting is hard work. It is especially hard when we are triggered by something and have to make concerted efforts not to react impulsively and to give our children the space that they need to express themselves.

By David B Younger, PhD, CGP, PC

I have been interested in meditation for years, but it was only until fairly recently that I completed a Vedic meditation training here in NYC and committed to a regular practice.

In the Vedic tradition, a mantra is used to anchor the meditation. One of the biggest benefits of meditation, as far as I am concerned, is that it is a consciousness and practice of training the mind. I didn’t realize the full extent to which my mind was a wild animal until I began the practice of taming it. Jack Kornfield compares the mind in meditation to a puppy. It keeps trying to run off in different directions and you gently continue bringing it back.

Thoughts used to keep me up at night as well as hook onto my moods and take them swinging through the vines of my mind. I never even entertained the notion that this would be something that I could control. But that is what meditation has helped me to do. This does not mean that my mind never wanders. I am still human. But I do not feel like I am at the mercy of my mind anymore. I don’t allow it to race when I am about to sleep, and I am able to recognize when I am feeling low and start to attach negative cognitions to the feeling, which feeds it and enables it to persist way more than it needs to.

Thoughts and feelings are like waves that rise from the vast reservoir of the mind and melt back to the source. This is happening all of the time. Tsunamis are in large part self imposed. The process of attaching to specific thoughts and feelings blocks the natural ebb and flow. Pressure builds and the wave grows until it crashes down.

There are many different types of meditation. It doesn’t matter which one you choose, but I strongly believe it is one of the most natural and powerful remedies that exists with respect to psychic suffering.

David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

One of the most common problems that I see when working with couples is the game of assumptions. This is when people infer based on previous behavior what the other is thinking and feeling. No space is left for something new. The assumer feels defensive and self-protective and the “assumee” feels shut out and not seen. The more rooted a couple becomes in assumptions, the more predictable the interactions. Scripts replace spontaneity.

When assumptions become the norm in most interactions, both members of the couple end up feeling emotionally deprived and victimized. When they show up in my office, they are fighting about everything. You can feel the chill in the air.

The goal in the beginning of the therapy is to break this vicious cycle of assumptions and to create enough safety via validating both partners’ hurt so that an environment of sharing and healing can be created. Couples can become aware of their assumptions and the impact they have on each other. They can be taught to listen in a new way. When this happens it feels as if arid ground has been fertilized and new life can grow.

If you feel like you are caught in this pattern with your partner, it is really worth seeking help and doing something about it. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

David B Younger, PhD, CGP, PC

I am very excited to announce that my dear friend and teacher, Dr. Manik Hiranandani, is here in New York.  I will be hosting an informal talk and Q&A with Dr. Manik on Sunday September 26^th at 5pm.  The talk is free and will be held at Equilibrium Physical Therapy at 261 E 78^th St., 2^nd floor, between 2^nd and 3^rd.  Dr. Manik will be available for private appointments from Monday the 27^th thru Thursday the 30^th.  Please RSVP as space is limited.  You can read about Dr. Manik at his website, www.drmanik.com.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

It is a bit hard to believe that in this day and age, a psychiatrist is having an epiphany that people that are suffering with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions need more than just drugs to help them, but it is gratifying to see that a psychiatrist that was practicing primarily as a psychopharmacologist has “seen the light”.

Below is a link to an article in Sunday’s magazine section that is worth reading.  I, as a psychologist, do not prescribe medications, but I work closely with people that do.  I am open to working with individual to figure what he or she needs.  The one thing that I am skeptical about is taking meds without being in therapy.  Meds are great with symptoms, but not in understanding causes.

MAGAZINE | April 25, 2010
Mind Over Meds
By DANIEL CARLAT
How I decided my psychiatry patients needed more from me than prescriptions.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

Below is a link to an interesting article in last week’s NY Times on the emotional impact of international adoption.  The process can be so stressful for both the children and the parents, and both could benefit enormously from psychotherapy to help manage and process the enormity of the situation.

FASHION & STYLE | April 18, 2010
In Some Adoptions, Love Doesn’t Conquer All
By SARAH KERSHAW
For families who have faced the challenges of international adoption, the case of a boy sent back to Russia strikes a chord.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

Below is a link to an interesting article in last week’s NY Times magazine section on marriage and physical health.  It seems that years of research demonstrate that people that are in stable relationships benefit from better health unless there is a significant degree of conflict and stress in the relationship.  The way in which conflict is handled is considered to be a key mitigating factor.

MAGAZINE | April 18, 2010
Is Marriage Good for Your Health?
By TARA PARKER-POPE
What the research shows about the relationship between relationships and physical well-being.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

Everyone is familiar with the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”.  Rationally, it makes perfect sense.  It is a logical way to operate for the most part.  Obviously, there is going to be a certain percentage of the population that could easily stretch the limits of behavior.  That aside, the element that I am interested in here is the psychological element that is bound to the adage that history repeats itself.  It certainly does on a macro and a micro level.  In individuals, history tends to repeat itself when we are unaware of what motivates our behavior.  For example, people who have emotionally abusive parents that end up in emotionally abusive relationships as adults.

So I altered the golden rule to state the following: “We do unto others as has been done unto us”.  If our parents reacted to us without empathy as children, it makes it much more challenging to internalize the capacity to empathize.  It doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, but without that foundation, it is much more difficult to be empathic with ourselves and with others.

One of my patients so eloquently expressed this the other day when he was telling me that he found himself reacting to his girlfriend when she was sick the same way he was reacted to by his father as a child.  The great thing is that he is in therapy and that he was aware of his actions and able to take a step back and reflect on them and then talk to his girlfriend about it.  This is growth encapsulated.  It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of and it is also the best remedy to this mutation of the golden rule.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

A great way to explore feeling with your children is by role-playing.  In a non-judgmental or sarcastic way, take the role of your child in a situation where she has been struggling.  Make it playful and spontaneous.  For example, if your child doesn’t like one of her teachers because she isn’t warm with her, try this:

Mom: I’ll be the kid and you be the teacher.

Kid: Ok…(As teacher) Rachel!  You’re not paying attention.  Stop talking to Jenny.

Mom: (As kid) Sorry Miss Sarah.

Kid: (As teacher) Just stop it!

Mom: (As kid) Miss Sarah, I said sorry.  Please don’t yell at me.  It makes me feel bad.

Kid: (As teacher) Too bad!

Mom: (As kid) But Miss Sarah, I’m only 6 and it’s hard to sit still and concentrate all day.  I’m not doing it on purpose.

You see, the brilliant aspect of this role-play is that it allows mom to put words to her daughter’s feelings in a non-threatening and experiential way.  The child can feel empowered by being in the role of the teacher, but she will also be hearing a validation of her own feelings via the role of the mother.

This can be a really fun and effective exercise that helps children put words to their feelings and also helps them feel understood.  Give it a shot when your child is feeling stuck in a certain situation.  If you do try it, I’d love to hear how it goes.  Send me an email to david@dbyounger.com.  You can also email me if you have any questions about this or anything else I write about.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D